First Steps to Recovery

I saw him today. Yesterday I was angry. I kept thinking I should let him be, don’t worry about him, he made his choice….

But today… today I’m torn. He agreed to let me take him to an appointment. He entered the car, then said good afternoon. My heart smiled at the gesture of manners. I’ll take it. I responded reluctantly….Hello.

I don’t want him to know how much him being away is affecting me, I wanted to be strong. I want to show tough love. We drove for 25 minutes without a word. I looked through the rear view mirror and saw the distance in his eyes. If only I could read his thoughts, I would know how to fix it…or not.

We got to the place, he started talking but with mannerism that suggested he didn’t care. He even wrote it on the paper… I don’t care what they all think of me. Well I know from experience that he does care.

It was tense in the room, I tried to remain calm. We had one trigger.. then he apologized and continued with the paperwork. I reiterated that I was only trying to help him.

He went into a room to do other paperwork and I broke down crying like a baby. I’m not so tough. How did it come to this?? His sister was there for support. She soothed me and explained some of the things I didn’t understand. She too became a victim of child neglect and abuse. She too got caught up in drugs, but she admitted to having a problem and trying to do better. While she talked to me I started feeling better. She’s 17 with a voice. I told her how beautiful she was and that I was proud of her.

Then he came out. I became strong again. I walked out without really looking at him. This is awkward, he’s like a total stranger. I had to use this opportunity to tell him something, so I turned around and told him I was proud of him for making this move. He smiled at me. HE SMILED AT ME!!!!

I asked for a hug. He refused, but softly. I said please and moved closer to him. He said you can hug me but I’m not hugging you.

I hugged him. It’s a start. I have no expectations. I’ll just be there when he needs me. I dropped him off at bio mom.

Today was a good day!!!